Pride...Overrated or Important?

pride might be the end all for me....i refuse or cant seem to bring myself to get help....maybe it is because i have nobody to turn too...or could that all the people i could turn too, i have pissed them off or screwed them over some much that they are done with me....for the way i have treated you or used you up i am truly sorry....i never intended to to screw anyone over or hurt them or disappoint them....i will probably never be able to make it up to them and that kills me....so when people ask why dont i call this person or that person the main reason is that i really dont think that they will take my call...and i dont think i could bring myself to call them....

now there is someone that i have called and they have helped...but that is it im not going to be calling them any more....i am not going to do it...so here it is 2:39pm 8-3-09 and i start the journey of self awareness....can i survive on my owm with out any help....if you go by my past then the answer is simple and obvious "NO"....i wonder if have as good of odds at making it as mine that bird....shit he stated the race almost off the boards at 50-1...he won....why cant i?

well lets take a minute and compare the two...mind that bird to me...off the top of my head the first difference to me is apparent mtb is a horse and i am not(although i do try and eat as much as one)...now when i say that he is a horse he has the advantage of not getting in his own head with sappy self doubt woa is me bullshit that i tend to live by....second difference even though he went off at 50-1 he is still a world class athlete and me well what can i Say except that i about have a heart attack going up a flight of stairs....third difference is mtb has not burned any bridges on his way to the top and me well lets see pretty much everyone i have ever come into contact i have lit up some how....

now i sure i can go on and on about how mind that bird at 50-1 has had a better shot at winning the kentucky derby than i do getting my shit together, but the one factor that i have going for me is that i own a computer and document how shitty it is going...plus i have fingers and thumbs....take that shit mind that bird.....

back to what or who i was talking to in my last post....let me tell my head is really starting to do wonders on me....like all i think about is when am i going to get a chance to talk to you again....i sit in the library or airport fanatically checking to see if you have come back on line so i say hi and have you call me names....let me tell you a day with out it is a very long and bad day.....not sure why i feel this way...the only explanation is that my head is a really fucking me up saying things that are not there...oh well here i sit waiting for you come back from your life to talk to me and give me the sense that i have a life....

so lets recap....i am alone...homeless...i do have a job now that does not start until thurs...so that is good only 3 more days full of self loathing....there is nobody to turn too for help...scratch that there is nobody that i will put in the position to help or turn me down....we have come to the conclusions that the kentucky derby winner who went off at 50-1 did in fact did have a better chance to win this year than i have of getting my shit together....and finally i am obsessing over a person that is just being the nice person that they are and i am reading to much into it..... so all in all life is going according to plan...for the original Pride....Overrated or Important? the jury is still out seeing that i have absolutely no pride what so ever....maybe someday.....