Wait I Am Not Ready......No Really I Am Not Ready HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

what the fuck....i thought that i had four days?....thats bullshit 2mrw is the day....so does that mean that i am in my final hours of non conformity?....how about this lets compromise....i promise to become a member of society.....NEXT YEAR....yea when i am 41....that makes more sense to me...that means i have another year to plot and plan....another year of eating like the end is right around the corner...another year of bouncing around not ever putting roots down and tring to succeed...another off pissing in the bushes and trees because i dont own a pot....yea one more year sounds good to me....

my luck i will go thru the whole year of me being me and right at this time next year at the same time when i am finally ready to change because i so tired of being lonely i will die and never get the chance to experience what is right in front of me....i have the chance to end up with some one that blows my mind right now....i dont think i have ever felt this way about someone b4...i am so excited, nervous, scared, jealous, happy, shit every emotion that i can imagine that is what is am...i dont know how to talk to you...oh yea the biggest emotion that i forgot is LOVE...shit it has been so long i am not sure how this is supposed to feel...now that i think about it i dont think i have ever felt this way b4....

ok for the real truth...we have passed the next platue and i am scared when comes time to put up or shut up....i cant believe i am going to say this but i am ASCARED...and i am not sure of myself...it has been a long time...wow...i must be a girl now....no there is the pressure of disappointing someone you have fallen in love with...shit this is more pressure than turning 40...so here is i am back to lets just do this whole thing next year....i will be more prepared for it...i will go out and rent an instructional video and practice....yea that sounds good to me...

i just have this to say to you hollie...i love you more than you or i know as i have said in the past...i just hope you will love me even though my lack of confidence will be there...it is something i will get thru with lots of time and practice...i mean patients....i just hope pray you feel the same way....

so now there is even less time than b4, i guess next year is going to have to wait...because now is my time....i think...now it is david fogleman time...it is time for me to shine in all aspects of my life and in hollies eyes...no pressure bring it on...i am ready....i think

Turning 40 On Thursday.....It Is Time.....I WANT!!!!!!!

well it has been a good run of not being a member of society, but alas all things must come to an end...and now it is my time...i am done...i squandered almost half my life and i dont have a pot to piss in...(literally)...if i wanna go i have to find a bush or a tree...not that it is a bad thing but dam it there has to be more it (life) then this right...all the people i have grown up with have been married have kids houses...a legacy...me if i die 2night there probably wont even be a head stone marking my grave...

now dont get me wrong i am not saying that it has all been shit for me because that is not true...i mean some people marvel at the amount of life i have lived so far...i can count four full different lives in my short 40yrs of existence...not bad...and how the fuck did i do that with out accumulating anything?...mysterious?...anyway i have had my fun, but it is not enough for me anymore...i wanna be loved i wanna love...i dont want to be looked at as a slob any longer...i want to be respected for someone who might know a thing or two (not just sports)...i want to loose weight...dont get me wrong i dont want to be skinny or GQ or anything...i want to be around 300 to 330...that would be great for me...i want to have a nice apt...nothing fancy but some thing that i can be comfortable in...i dont want to have to ration cigars...i want a truck...i want a dog...i want to be emotionally secure...i want to share what life i have left with someone...i think i have alot to offer someone...i want to not feel like a failure when i am around my friends...i want to be a MAN....

see not much...i am not asking for fame or fortune...i just want everything else...so there it is...4 days left until 40...i did not think it would affect me this way hell i thought i would be dead and wouldnt have to deal with it...well the joke is on me yet again...cause is going to happen b4 i know it...so what do i do? how does miraculous transformation take place...how do i undo 40 yrs of doing it wrong and not being a member of society? if somebody is reading this that is not a rhetorical question give me some fucking ideas because i am drawing a blank...how can i have the thing i want the most if i am not happy with myself...

i really dont know...and now i am starting to get fucking pissed off at myself...just being a whining fucking crybaby...so here i sit waiting and wondering if date night is going to happen...odds are that it wont but i am sitting waiting and wanting...4 DAYS....4 DAYS TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT...NO PRESSURE THE CLOCK IS RUNNING...4 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!