Living Above The Clouds........

how do you do it....i am talking about you HOLLIE....yes that is the name of my angel that has managed to pull me out of the depths of dis pare....the feeling i get when i am done talking to you is .... well euphoric ...for lack of a better word...i dont know if there is a spell out there on me or if this is real....i dont care as long as it keeps going....once thank you for being you....and i will keep enjoying my time in the clouds....god it is beautiful up here

Out On A Limb Is Not A Good Place For A Fat Guy!!!!!

i can hear it cracking...bending straining...this fucking branch that i am out on is about to break...well it is not really a branch but more of limb that i find myself on...and yes i have put myself here for a reason...what i dont know...yes i do it is part of me doing the exact opposite of what i would normally do...hey it seems to be working...i have a place to stay i start job on monday and i have revelled my heart to someone...yes that is right i am smitten with someone and she is not a stripper...well i dont think she is....no she isnt...more on that later....

first the place to stay...i am staying with this guy that used to know 20 years ago...we were partners at sears carpeting cleaning...when i first started i was his bitch...in other words he was the lead tech...it was probably one of the funnest times of my life...well anyway he found me when i was in portland and homeless and offered me a room to stay in...how fucking awesome is that...i hadnt seen or really talked to him for 20 some odd years and here he is offering to bring me into his home...not sure how i am going to repay him...maybe i will get lucky and he will need a kidney or something...other than that i guess thank you is going to have to work for the rest of my life....so let me start here and now for everyone to see....THANK YOU MAN...if you do need a kidney i am here for you...that goes for bone marrow too...let me know...you know the room....

now for the job thing...once again this was gonna be something that i swore i would never do...i refused to go there...but here i am not only going there but now starting to work there on monday...so on thursday i find myself going to mans office...not sure what i am going to do when i go in praying that he is not in...but of course he is there...and i break down...man that was one of the hardest things i have had to do...and i want to say i am sorry...i never meant to hurt the family...because you are my family my only family ....i will not let you down or embarrass you....

now for the real reason i am out on limb...i did it...i told her just how i feel...yet i cant seem to get it out here...it has been a long time for me to feel this way about someone...shit i have know her forever also...or let me say i knew her forever ago...we went to school together when i was a senior...and yes for those of you wondering i thought or knew i did not have a chance then either...so imagine my surprise when she started talking to me...i tried not let her know that i was falling for her...but i guess i am not as mysterious as i thought i was...i can say this though i am not very good at the girlie talk cutie name saying or expressing my emotions...well at least these emotions...so here i am telling everyone i have fallen and cant get up nor do i want to get up...i am thoroughly stoked to find out where this goes...you are all that seems to consume my mind while i am sitting at home...i kinda cant wait to start work so i wont be obsessed with you so much and i wont seem clingy...

so there you have it...the limb is straining but holding...the question is is for how long? maybe i should go on a diet to help the limb.....na

Paradise? Or....Well I Dont Know But It Is Something...

well i made it...to paradise or hell...it is just a matter of how you wanna look at it...now for those of you who are gonna actually Read this dont get me wrong i am very appreciative of the opportunity afforded me here...and yes i do realize the chance i have here...and i am motivated like never before...the hell part i guess is coming back to a place where you thought you would never live again...

i guess that is the last shred of pride tring to rear its head again...not to worry though it has been beaten down so badly it might take years for it to come back...it is nice to see him try though....

now for the jest of this posting the "TRIP" or "THE RIDE"....well let start off with saying the the greyhound bus company is not fat man approved...i have no idea how i managed to do that 27hr to trip without killing someone or myself...it all started in portland or...we all know how well that went for me..recap..(moved there jobless homeless kicked out of airport and so on)...so i get to the bus station at noon wanting to check in get my ticket and check my luggage...then i was gonna go get some food for the trip and play on computer until time to go...so in other words i was gonna walk around port one last time...so i walk up to ticket counter bags in tow get my will call ticket...everything is great until this point in the trip...this is when i have first in counter with a greyhound employee...i will use her name since she is a soulless wretch that has no people skills...LISA...to tell you the truth i was kinda attracted to her...anyway she proceeds to tell me that one bag is free on gh and all others are an additional $10...well shit no money i did the only thing possible i put everything in my laundry bag...

the next little nugget is where the wheels started falling off for the trip...she gives me my ticket and bag check claim ticket then she tore a hole in my whole day...you need to keep your bag with you until the bus comes...what?...with me no i am going cruising around port for one last time...no your not...so there i sat...for what seemed like an eternity well really 6 hrs...what the fuck...at least i had pres obama to keep me company..oh joy...but that is for another time and blog...

so i get on the bus for my first leg to sac...let me say that karma was working overtime to remind how powerful she is...first with the 12 hr ride...with the full bus...then with the seat size...enough said on seat size or lack there of...then with the fuckin looney bin lady sitting next me...enough said on that...

we made it sacramento...it is 8am and i am scrambling for my bag then to get in line to get on the next bus...yes that is right the bag is not transferred automatically and yes you have to wait in line to get on the next bus...there i am working on no sleep for 24hrs struggling to realise how my life has gotten away from me...i get on the bus to la...leg #2...this is only an 8 hr jaunt...so i load up on the bus i sit in the front row...well that last for hum....3 min....thee fucking driver told me to move then he went so far as to find my seat for me...

whew we make it to los angeles...man i am becoming a pro at this bus thing...there one high light on this leg though...LITTLE BEAU PETIE a maui roller girl...yes i met a real life roller derby girl from maui...she was definitely cool and not what you would expect...now back to leg 3 of my epic journey...in line i got my bag and i am ready to go...4:30 comes around we load up i think everything might be turning my way...the is loaded and not full wahoo...i do notice something though and that is that i am the only one on the bus who speaks english and not spanish...hummmm. i wonder what this means...i dont care at this point i have 2 seat to myself and 7hrs to phx...

life is good right now...so i close my eyes for a minute only to open them to the site of us i mean the bus pulling into a shopping mall parking lot...why...well lets see we did not have enough mexicans aboard the bus...so sit through this 4 more times...there goes my 2 seats...but at least some fat lady came aboard sell tamales...the little old lady across from me bought some and gave me one...so now we are full to the rim with well you know and we are finally on the highway...there something pretty cool about this bus it has tvs...wahoo a movie...man this will make the time fly...so the movie starts,,it is meteor man...you guessed it it is in spanish, but wait there is some relief there is subtitles...no wait those are in spanish too...yes that is right i am on a bus loaded with mexicans coming to phx from la watching a movie dubbed in spanish with spanish subtitles...

karma does have a since of humor huh? well we made it and it is getting late so i am going to get going now...on the personal note...sugar you are in my prayers...and yes i am serious if you need me i will be there for you...that was a very long 2days not being able to talk to you...i really missed it...

for me i think it is gonna be paradise...cant be worse than leg #3 of my trip...

Whats That Ahead...Maybe..Could It Be a Ray Of Light?

just when you think that you there is no possible way out of this tunnel....you see it..or you think you see something...what was it a flicker, a strobe, what???you stop and stare and stare until you confirm you are not going insane...light....WAHOOOOO...there is light at the end of the tunnel...for somebody that is scared of the dark there is nothing more huge in life...

well i have seen the flicker of light...put my pride aside and accepted help...i got a place to live and and a ticket to arizona...yes i know i said that i was not going to do this, but there is only so much this fat man can take...

last thursday night when i got kicked out of the airport i think i hit bottom...i walked around down town portland crying all night long...yes you read it right CRYING...that is the most alone the most alone i have ever felt...a thousand times more alone than when my father died...man that is a shitty thing to say...i cant believe that i just wrote that...but it is true...

this is not going to be easy for me...not only do i have to go back to phx but i need to try and rebuild some of the bridges that i have burned...dan i am sorry...maybe if i get straight with you, you can find it in your heart to forgive me....it was the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt or take away from your family....

so it begins friday night at 6:40pm...the long journey to ass kissing...well at least pride will not get in the way...there is nothing left...and to my one supporter i am happy just to be connected with you and we dont have talk...just knowing that you are there...THANK YOU!

New Day...New Humiliation...Who Would've Thunk It?

at the new job...seems to be going well...what the fuck do i know i have not slept in 2days...more to come on that shortly...any way back to the job...i am supposed to be the sales person for this small collection agency...the irony is hilarious here i know....me in sales...everybody knows that this is the best job for me since i am such a people person....top it off i have never done this b4 and have no idea where to start....just had a good idea need to write it down before it is gone....got it...

so let me get out my brushes and start painting this classic portrait...woke up yest at 4am couldn't sleep i guess; my bench at the airport was not agreeing with me...so here i am up i waddle to the mens room to start my routing of bathing in the sink...when wouldn't know in comes this man fling to the urinal right when i am 3/4 naked(i love that word NAKED...come on say it with me NAKED!) and was in the middle of the well scrub down...this guy stops in his tracks i think he is going to piss h is pants starting at me...so i did the only thing that came to my mind i said "a little help the back?"he stared at me for a moment not knowing what to do...hell i was now praying that he was going to piss his pants...well any way he made the right decision...

so im done about 5:15am and it is still to early for me to catch the red line to work...remember fat guy that's why it takes so long for a sponge bath....so i sit around catch the train show up for work 55 min early...great showing motivation here its all good...i go thru the get off at 5pm catch the redlide back to the airport to turn in for the night....so i am sitting there chuck on the computer when 10pm rolls along and i cant keep my eyes open...man am looking forward to this a good nights sleep...so i head down to MY bench.is it all good its empty...get all situated take off the boots lay down fall asleep wake 30min later dam pepsi went right thru me...back up more waddling to mens room back to the bench...asleep finally...well that is for some reason i open my eyes at 11:30pm and the are 3 yes count them 3 port of portland police surronding me...how long you been here...you fling out...blah blah blah...they caught me off guard couldnt think of anything to say to them except the truth....so then it happened the sd that last regline will be leaving in 15 min and that i needed to be on it...ok officer what ever you...he stood until i put on my boots and walked me out...yes thats right i got the walk of shame from the portland airport...horrible just horrible....

so you go thru your hole life thinking you are tough or a bad ass when in reality you are a scared little boy...i thought ok plan b the bus station...not...closed 12:30am, plan c amtrac...i walk over and fuck if they were closed also...what the fuck am i going to do?...so here it is 1:30am i need to be in bed cause i have work in a few hours....problem is there is no bed amd i am not sure about the whole sleeping on the street thing yet...so i walked and walked and walked...it is amazing how time flies when you are not paying attention...NOT...especialy in the middle of the night with no where to go...there is alot i thought about this morning...how did it come to this? will i make it out...and what is she doing right now...by the way thanx for the post yest...you rock....dont worry though i am still infatuated with ya.

so here i sit dazed confused seeing things on no sleep...waiting once again for the clock to MOVE.

The Day Before the Big Day...Will History Repeat?

yes tomorrow is the big day...NEW JOB DAY....WAHOOOO....so you know what this means...today is the last full day of self loathing that i have...until history repeats its self....after tomorrow i will only have 14 hrs of self loathing a day...whew....not sure how i am going to squeeze 24 hrs down to 14 hrs....if there is any man for the job it is me....

any way it should be interesting getting ready for work in the airport at 4:30am...shaving in public bathroom...sponge bath in a sink....ya baby there is a visual for you to get out of your head...imagine if you will it is an ungodly time of the morning...you just get off the red eye flight from chicago...you have been holding it since south dakota because you refuse to use airplane bathrooms....your rush off the plane down towards baggage claim because the restrooms upstairs are full...down the escalator along the never ending hall...ahhh at last relief in sight...you round the corner to freedom and BAMMM THERE I AM 732LBS OF BLUBBERING MASCULINITY TAKING A BATH IN SINK....let me tell you something...i dont counseling for 10yrs will be able to relief that image from your subconscious....

should be fun cant wait...i wonder if this unidentified person would mind helping me with my back since dont have my luffa with me...

i have tring to keep the voices in my head to low roar...especially about the person being nice to me....it is hard though...the juggling that seems to be going on is insane...i think i have come to a good resolution of the way this is going to play out...and i am fine with it...we will see....there are a couple of avenues to take here....the dream or reality...not going to tip my hand here but i think you know how i would like this to go....

i was sitting awake at 2:30am this morning freezing my ... well you get the jest...damn airport drops to 45 degrees at night...not sure i understand it...any way i was sitting there shivering when i came to the realization that nobody is gonna read this thing....then of course came the sick feeling that i have been pouring out my heart to no one...let me tell you something if being homeless living in an airport watching thousands of people come and go all day and night does not make you lonely...write a blog in the afore mentioned place that nobody will read and you will feel on top of the world...until later when talk again to see if in fact history does repeat itself...

Pride...Overrated or Important?

pride might be the end all for me....i refuse or cant seem to bring myself to get help....maybe it is because i have nobody to turn too...or could that all the people i could turn too, i have pissed them off or screwed them over some much that they are done with me....for the way i have treated you or used you up i am truly sorry....i never intended to to screw anyone over or hurt them or disappoint them....i will probably never be able to make it up to them and that kills me....so when people ask why dont i call this person or that person the main reason is that i really dont think that they will take my call...and i dont think i could bring myself to call them....

now there is someone that i have called and they have helped...but that is it im not going to be calling them any more....i am not going to do it...so here it is 2:39pm 8-3-09 and i start the journey of self awareness....can i survive on my owm with out any help....if you go by my past then the answer is simple and obvious "NO"....i wonder if have as good of odds at making it as mine that bird....shit he stated the race almost off the boards at 50-1...he won....why cant i?

well lets take a minute and compare the two...mind that bird to me...off the top of my head the first difference to me is apparent mtb is a horse and i am not(although i do try and eat as much as one)...now when i say that he is a horse he has the advantage of not getting in his own head with sappy self doubt woa is me bullshit that i tend to live by....second difference even though he went off at 50-1 he is still a world class athlete and me well what can i Say except that i about have a heart attack going up a flight of stairs....third difference is mtb has not burned any bridges on his way to the top and me well lets see pretty much everyone i have ever come into contact i have lit up some how....

now i sure i can go on and on about how mind that bird at 50-1 has had a better shot at winning the kentucky derby than i do getting my shit together, but the one factor that i have going for me is that i own a computer and document how shitty it is going...plus i have fingers and thumbs....take that shit mind that bird.....

back to what or who i was talking to in my last post....let me tell my head is really starting to do wonders on me....like all i think about is when am i going to get a chance to talk to you again....i sit in the library or airport fanatically checking to see if you have come back on line so i say hi and have you call me names....let me tell you a day with out it is a very long and bad day.....not sure why i feel this way...the only explanation is that my head is a really fucking me up saying things that are not there...oh well here i sit waiting for you come back from your life to talk to me and give me the sense that i have a life....

so lets recap....i am alone...homeless...i do have a job now that does not start until thurs...so that is good only 3 more days full of self loathing....there is nobody to turn too for help...scratch that there is nobody that i will put in the position to help or turn me down....we have come to the conclusions that the kentucky derby winner who went off at 50-1 did in fact did have a better chance to win this year than i have of getting my shit together....and finally i am obsessing over a person that is just being the nice person that they are and i am reading to much into it..... so all in all life is going according to plan...for the original Pride....Overrated or Important? the jury is still out seeing that i have absolutely no pride what so ever....maybe someday.....

Not really feeling it!!!! Fake it!

this computer shit is kinda cool...never knew you could do some of this shit....had my chatting cherry popped the other day...now i am all the way to chatting with a camera....i am not sure this the best thing for a fat guy to be doing....the camera seems to catch me in parts....i think i need to call dell to see if they have a wide angel camera for this thing....

as far as my life is going i in a holding pattern until thurs...start a new job then....not sure about it though the pay is shit and i will doing something that i have never done before....still no place to live....so that outta be fun live at the airport clean up in the sinks then catch the train to work.... i will only need to be up by 3am...which is cool since i cant seem to sleep there...when i was walking out of the airport i saw these girls in the food court pointing and saying thats him...not sure what else they were saying but i bet it was "wow i wonder i he will go out with me"....why do people do that...and if are going to do that have some fucking tact about try and be a little more inconspicuous about it....oh well i should went with and confronted them.....missed a golden opportunity there....

dreams.....i think i want to get a new tattoo....it will be in chinese writing...it will say "WASTED POTENTIAL" i think that should look pretty cool.....i had dreams have dreams..... still do i guess...there is always time realize your dreams right....you know now that i think about i not sure i can tell you one of my dreams....i know i had them...just not sure what they were...oh i had have a dream...i long to be creative musically art acting anything....not sure if that is a dream want or regret.......just be creative in something....i guess another is not to be lonely.....but that is something that i bring on myself though....i am not sure how to talk to you....i can talk about sports or silly shit but when comes to talking about me or anything really serious nothing...let correct that i can talk to you about your shit i am great insightful caring give sound advise for the
most part...just someone you can go to....but when comes to opening up...nothing i think that is why i am here...maybe this is a dream of some sort a way to communicate with someone anyone with the voneralbe part of actually talking to someone....

here we go the whining has begun...i new that i would find it just took a while...i have a question what do you when you take someones kindness for something more than is ...or if you not sure....these my problems....you start talking to someone....then you become with consumed talking to them...maybe that is not the right word but it is all you think about...then you tricking your self that there is something more there....i hate the way my mind fucks with me....thats another i am so starved for attention that i create in my mind things that are not there....i like talking to you....but i dont want to freak you out or make you think..... fuck i dont know...i do like watching smile and laugh it seems to be very soothing and comforting to me...

i need to go back to airport tomorrow....i hate that...what the fuck am i going to do.....i guess that dont have much to say here 2day just going to keep going forward...not living but existing.... ill be back later maybe with some real content....

First Timer...Only one way to go......DOWN!

Well how you doing? Thank you for coming on this journey of self awareness, or lets call it what it really is me bitching and crying. Not that the whole thing will be this, but a portion maybe a good portion will be.

Let me take a minute to give some backround on me. Where to start? I can start with what i say when somebody asks if they can help me....I come back with it all started when i was a little boy i fell of my rocking horse and hit my head on the fireplace mantle...that led to bad dreams and bed wetting...i can see the same look on your face as the people i say that too....WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? i am not sure what i am talking about i just like the confusion on thier faces when i say it....

back to me i am 39 going on 14 and as of right now i am homeless jobless and pretty much living in an airport like tom hanks did in that movie with the exception that i can come and go. its not that i am un qualified....well thats not true i have no real skills but bullshit....i have the uncanny nack of going somewhere not knowing anybody...befriending them...then using them up to the point that they still like me but dont want to have anything to do with me....which i think is worse than them hating me because it is all about disapointment....and let me tell you i disapoint everyone i meet....(by the way i dont know how to type so fuck capitol letters and proper punctuation)...where was i...oh yea disapointment....dont worry you will read all about in the time to come....i have a knack of what ever i am doing go in and become one the best if not the best at what ever i do...then once i prove that BOOOOM i impload and cant or dont sustain whatever it is i am doing....its happened where ever i have gone....17 yrs old working for sears carpet cleaning in phx az...i become in top 3 nationally for over sales....i do it like a month maybe a month and half...then it happened...something went off in my head saying fuck them i am better than them and i beat them when ever i want to....then for some reason i dont care or try anymore....

everywhere i have worked the same pattern....i know it is going to happen just a matter of how and when....dont get me wrong i have done some cool shit and accomplished some minor things...but for the most part its the same story....i have been a bill collector, radio morning show host, public radio general manager(thats a story in of itself), security guard at a high school, auto parts delivery guy, bouncer at a strip were strippers go to die, and oh yea carpet cleaner, and i think i was a gas station attendent for a weekend until i got fired for drinking to much pop and eating to much of the candy....so as you can see there is nothing of what you might call a trade on my resume except for talking which when i do it equates to bullshit....

not sure where i am going with this expect to give an idea who i am....i think my posts will be some what short due to the fact i get bored easily....so more to come...how i got here...what bridges i have (there are alot)...and finally who i fucked....dont worry if i have had anything to do with you you will probably read about it....