well tomorrow is 13years and it seems like yesterday when i woke up and and picked up the phone at 5:15am to see how bart did in his tournament...when i heard the beeping i knew in my heart that it was not the results i was looking for...i knew it was bad and it was...it was the worse...that is the day that i found out what it means to be alone...
i want to take this minute to let you how sorry i am for not living up to who you thought i would be or could be...as you know i have never cared what else anyone has said or thought about me...and now at 40 i might be seeing what you spent the last 30yrs of your life trying to instill in me...i know that i have never lived up to the talent you thought or knew i had or have...so here i am trying to start my life over yet one more time to show what kind of man you raised...i have come home tail between my legs with nothing...i have been broken to the point of no return it seems...i have learned humility...i have learned that i do not know everything that i thought i did...i have learned all those years of trying to be unlike you were wasted in vain...i have finally come to the conclusion that to be like you could be the greatest compliment or accomplishment i could have...
there is not a night for the last 13yrs that you have not come to me in my dreams...i know you are there i can see you and it seems as much as i try i cant get close enough to you to talk to or hug you...i am not sure if you just watching me or if you are to disgusted to talk me...either way i know you are there and it comforts me...i yern to talk to you and tell you how sorry i am for everything...all the way back to elementary school i have tried to find the easy way the short cut...never wanting to the work for what it requires just to live...so now i am back in the place where you raised me trying to rebuild or start my life and i am scared...i have come back here hoping to be closer to you and everyone i know only to find that i have the same feeling that i got when i come home from school...i still have friends but they have all moved on and have their own lives they are living and i feel more alone than ever...
i wish i came back when i said i would on christmas...i just could not bare to see you in that condition of giving up...even though i have spent my life trying not to be like you...you were and always will be larger than life to me...i get to sit and listen to people tell stories about you...it almost seems like you were a mythical person not real with the love that is in the stories but i knew you were and took advantage of it thinking that you would be there forever...now i know i will never get the chance to say thank you for every sacrifice and all the opportunities you afforded me...
so this is going to have to do...here is an update of me...in the last 13yrs i have blown thru more money than most people make in 20 yrs...i moved to alaska for 9 yrs worked on the radio as the morning show host...became so good at it that i got promoted to general manager of the station...blew my self up had to leave the state...moved to ohio..cleveland for 3yrs...bad things there so i had the brilliant idea to pick and go to portland or...well shit not sure how it happened but that was worse than cleveland...now i am back home trying to change everything to be a fraction of the man you were...
i have had a pretty good start got my own place...job is going well...got new car (well new to me)...and to continue the journey of self awareness i am trying to live healthier and loose weight...not sure if it is going to work but i am trying none the less...i can tell that i am tired of being lonely and know that if i dont change my life i will be talking to you sooner than later...
well on this anniversary i want to say i love you...i miss you and there is not a day that goes by that i am not working to be more the man you thought i can be or could be...god bless you and thank you for being my dad....
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