well it has been a very tring time...i have been struggling with this whole life change thing...ok to tell the truth there have been at least 3 days that i have not made my bed and there are dirty dishes in the sink...what the fuck man i was doing so well...is this it? is this the beginning of the end for the great overhaul...it seems that i have been struggling in all aspects of my life...work has been a grind...this fat thing has been tortuous and i just seem to be really pissed off all the time...i think that the voices in my head are starting to get the best of me and they are fighting all the improvements i am tring to make....
i have been seriously considering going to some kind of counseling, but how the fuck do you do that? do you just pick up phonebook and pick someone you want to go unload your shit on...i dont know if anyone has any ideas please let me know...
it seems that or it has been pointed out to me that i am not motivated in the great dave reduction that i once was...i am not sure if that is totally true, but it might be...i do really well during the week and the weekend comes and i...well lets just say i do not do so well...i think it is because i am so lonely...i sit here combing the internet and my phone searching for someone to interact with...anyone really....
i was so relieved to come back to here because of all the people i know and love are here...i thought this time would be different...i would have something or someone to do things with all the time...yes my friends and family are here but they have their own lives and families now and it seems that i am more alone than ever...i know it is not true and that they care about me and how i am doing, but it does not fill the time on the weekends...i know that i sound like a whiny bitch right now, but i cant help it...
so maybe counselling will help,,,it was also pointed out to me that the exercise and diet that i am tring to do will prob not work until i find the real issue that is wrong with me...i know what is wrong with me...i have been watching the biggest loser and my problems are the same as theirs i feel that i am not good enough for anything good to happen to me..or for anyone one to love me..or for me to even love myself...so here i sit coming up on midnight on a sat night alone complaining in a blog that i am not sure anyone cares to read unless i ask them too...man that if that is not going to depress you then nothing will...wahoooo
let me give you a small example of how pathetic i feel right now...i started chatting with this young lady i went school with and she reminded me of how i picked her and her date up and took them to prom in my dads town car...so i proceeded to thank her for reminding me that i could not find a date that i was relegated to driving other couples to senior prom...nice huh..then the bomb of all bombs came and she says what are you bitching about i would gone with you if you asked me...how is that supposed to make me feel better...i was a scared fat kid in school that was border line bully to over compensate for my size and i find out 23 yrs later that i could of had a date to prom...good god that is the story of my life...i always seem to find out the important shit after it is too late....
well enough with the self loathing shit for now i am going to get back to my true love...i know they will never let me down..they are always there no matter the weather time or my mood...yes you guessed it i am talking about PIZZA and WINGS...until next time when i describe what it is like to post or interview for a job you know you can do and are qualified for and not get it because of your past...until then..be safe and good night and good luck.....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Bubba I love you. It is so funny that as I am reading this i can find myself relating to allot f wha you are saying. I feel like my life lacks anyone that will really listen to me, let alone give a damn about what I have to say. Life is hard right now, mom is moving to Australia and she flat out told me that she thinks I am unable to live on my own or have any sense of responsibility. i don't know it just hurts coming from her especially since i am trying so hard to do the right thing by staying in school and working part time. It's like you work your ass off and nothing comes of it. It was a small slap in the face that mom thinks i will fail at life and unlike others who would use this as motivation to prove her wrong, I decided to hole up in my room and cry like a baby. I mean what if she is right David? I will be so far away from any help, they will be - literally - across the world. sigh I don't know...I wish dad was here to give me some advice.
ReplyDeleteLove your sister,
Katie